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Certainly go ahead and bring up those lifestyle choices. We may want to discuss shared interests, politics, spirituality, and other topics, before diving into intimacy discussions.We are both in a different phase of life than when we may have dated before.For example, one of the biggest areas of programming is the misogynistic idea that a woman’s appearance is her defining power, and that women must compete against each other in a sort-of underlying appearance competition.While this idea unfortunately remains in TV programs, music videos, print and media advertisements, and so on till this day, I often feel like women my age struggle with this more than the younger women I know because the culture promoted this competition more fiercely when I was young.Besides, who knows what sort of new, unexpected things you might learn about yourself and your own desire.This attitude that women should be younger than the man they are with, alongside being ableist, ageist, and fatphobic, is rooted in the underlying assumption still lingering for men my age that part of the reason why women are here on earth is for a man’s pleasure — so she needs to fit into his standards of desirability.Dating should be fun, even if a little exhausting at times. You know yourself better than you did at 30, but you have less patience for the endless BS -- and it is endless -- and it's difficult to find someone with whom you want to spend however much time you have left.

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So when a man 20 years older approaches me with a sense of entitlement and expectation that I do the opposite of what I set out to do, simply to please his appearance expectations, I find that irritating and invalidating to older women. Please be prepared to learn that most women over 50 are fairly secure in themselves and are able to appreciate beauty in its many many different human forms.People in their 50’s have been through so much more loss, death, birth, career changes, and so on, that I have noticed the over-50 set is positioned perfectly to enjoy every moment that comes their way, when possible.Many people over 50 finally are more present in their lives, perhaps because they really understand how none of us know how long we will be on this beautiful spinning world.I don’t mean to imply that you should date for the sake of healing misogyny, but rather dating for no other immediate reason than to simply enjoy someone’s company is, in and of itself, an act of liberation.It is fine to also date hoping to marry or remarry, but my point is to not make that the focal point of dating, right away.In addition, the very concept of what was attractive was also drilled into our young brains, and unfortunately, what was considered attractive was informed by racism, ableism, ageism, and cis-gendered heterosexuality.